>> stephen: jon batiste andstay human, everybody! say hi to the band. what's up, my friend? good to see you! ( cheers and applause )you know, i don't know where you guys get your news out there,but i love-- i love the "usa today." it's got all this color andeverything. i get home delivery of the "usatoday" because it makes me feel
like i live in an embassysuites. and i love today's headlines. it says, "10 days. 20 executive orders." okay. he's pulled out of trade deals,approved the border wall, revived the keystone pipeline. i just got to imagine, though,after 10 days and 20 orders, he's got to be done, right.
there can't be any more of theseexecutive orders. >> he's got more, he's got more. trust me, he's got more. ( cheers and applause )he's got more. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: ladies andgentlemen, jon stewart. jon stewart, everybody. so good, so good. thank you.
jon, please, please, join us. jon stewart, ladies andgentlemen. ( cheers and applause )thank you. jon, i have to say -->> thank you so much! thank you! ( cheers and applause )thank you! >> stephen: jon, i have tosay-- i-- i love your outfit. is this-- is this-- is this yourdonald trump impression? >> i thought this is how mendressed now.
i thought this is-- thepresident sets men's fashion. and i saw the inauguration--super-long tie, dead animal on head, boom! ( laughter )boom! done! boom! >> stephen: it's a good look. you rock it. you rock the look, jon.
>> no, it's the best. it's the best. >> stephen: well, jon, youknow, you know it's always a pleasure to have you stop by. is... is there anything i can dofor you, jon? >> he has more executive orders. you were talking about presidenttrump, executive orders. >> stephen: oh, that's right. >> he has more and i have them.
>> stephen: wairkt you say youhave-- >> i've got -->> stephen: you have trump's executive orders. >> would you like me to readsome? ( cheers and applause )>> stephen: will the pile-- the pile of props behind mydesk? >> left them right behind yourdesk. >> stephen: i didn't even seethem before. i apologize.
>> i don't know if you knowthis. i sleep here. you're homeless now. >> i'm homeless now. >> stephen: that you're nolonger on cable. >> that's right. >> stephen: this right here,this right here-- here -->> stephen: this is one of his number one.
( cheers and applause )>> stephen: jon, is this-- is this one of the rescue animalsfrom the farm? ( laughter )( applause ) he looks so happy. >> i really thought for a secondhe was trying to climb down. >> stephen: please, do go on. number one-- people, this nationis in crisis. this is serious. >> stephen: all right, please,executive order number one.
executive order number one: "bythe authority vested in me by the constitution, i, donald j. jonah jameson trump, herebydirect that, to secure our border, china-- china, shallimmediately and without hesitation send ustheir wall. done." boom. done, boom. >> stephen: i understand, iheard--
>> china's wall, sent towrksboom! >> stephen: i heard the boom. >> done! >> stephen: i heard the done. >> stephen: how then do we getmexico to pay for it? >> this is the genius, stephen. when the wall arrives at thesouthern border, we shut the lights and pretend we're nothome. it's c.o.d.
mexico has to sign for it. for editing purposes what do youwant me to do with this. >> stephen: leave it rightthere. >> it's way too long and you'regoing to edit it. >> stephen: is it too long. >> audience: no! >> stephen: will make itlonger? keep the hat on. >> no, no.
>> stephen: the hat comes off. >> if you say continuity doesn'tmatter, (bleep) the whole thing. ( cheers and applause )>> stephen: what is this? what is this? >> this next encyclical-->> stephen: encyclical, jon. >> i do pronounce americafinally has an official language. >> stephen: and i assumethat's english. >> no, the new official languageof the united states is (bleep).
( cheers and applause )>> i, donald j. trump, have instructed my staff to speakonly in (bleep). and, by the way, none of that,'sure, i'll speak (bleep) at work, but at home i'll use factsand real information.' no. (bleep) all the time. immersion-- it's the only wayto be fluent. ( cheers and applause )>> stephen: now, jon, i just want to point out, i hold in myhand the last executive order.
>> oh, no from the desk ofdonald j. trump. hold on. mmm. i wonder what it says? >> stephen: sis, boom, bah. >> that would have killed at theunited nations national assembly in 1977. >> stephen: this is the last. you hold in your hand the verylast.
>> this is the last one. are you ready for the finaldonald j. trump executive order. >> stephen: sit down. now, back, down, down. down, boy! oh! it's a clip-on. it's-- it's a (bleep) clip-on. where is the mic?
>> let me say something. this is for budgetary purposes. necessary the new trump whitehouse's fiscally sound-- that's in my-- oh, boy! >> stephen: and the lastexecutive order is. >> may i read the last executiveorder. >> stephen: yes, you may. >> "i, donald j. trump, dodeclare by executive order that i, donald j. trump, amexhausting.
it has been 11 days, stephen. 11 (bleep) days. 11! the presidency is supposed toage the president, not the public! ( cheers and applause )and the reason-- this is-- the reason that i, donald j. trump-- thi this is his words--the reason that i, donald j. trump, am exhausting, is thatevery instinct and fiber of my
pathological self-regard callsme to abuse of power. i want-- i, donald j. trump,want-- 92, deserve, not just your respect, but youradmiration. parades with the tanks and thesynchronized dancing. and why can't they train 10,000doves to spell out 'trump' in the clouds? how hard can it be? they're already flying! i, donald j. trump, amexhausting because it is going
to take relentless stamina,vigilance, and every institutional check and balancethis great country can muster to keep me, donald j. trump, fromgoing full palpatine, with the lightning coming out of thefingertips. yes, fear leads to anger. anger leads to hate. we have never faced thisperfect. forful vindictive chaos. but perhaps therein lies thesaving grace of i, donald j.
trump's presidency. all action will be necessary. anif we do not allow donald trump to exhaust our fight and somehowcome through this presidency calamitiy-less, andconstitutionally intact, then i, donald j. trump, willhave demonstrated the greatness of america, just not the way ithought i would." ( cheers and applause )>> stephen: jon stewart, everybody!
we'll be right backwith josh groban! who was that?
Just got my check for $500
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